7 ‘Types’ of men to look out for
Dating can be rough. Really rough. Sometimes the path to love can take some not-so-great twists and turns. If any of these ‘types’ cross your path… maybe consider crossing the street.
The Beta-Alpha man comes across incredibly masculine and confident on the outside. He seems charming and confident BUT deep down he is extremely insecure and private. He pulls people in at first with his good looks and charisma but the minute you get close to him he feels vulnerable and shuts down. You realise that the big social group he seems to have is actually very hollow and made up mostly of acquaintances and people he keeps at arm’s length. He has the appearance of being popular but really, he’s lonely and doesn’t let anyone get close because he’s worried he’ll be found to be the insecure, unaccomplished, self-centred man he really is.
To spot the Beta-Alpha:
- Body language. The secure man will have no problem looking you in the eye when he talks to you. The Beta Alpha will struggle to make consistent eye contact with you.
- Manipulative behaviour. The Beta Alpha will go from being really eager to get to know you, to running really cold and being hard to get in contact with. The minute he thinks he’s gotten the self-affirmation he needs from you, you’ll be dead to him. If you pull back and stop communication, he’ll probably reach out because he feels rejected and needs to keep his fragile ego in-tact.
We’ve all seen it in the movies, haven’t we… the woman who falls for the attractive nomad she met while on holiday somewhere exotic. There is a sense of adventure that comes with dating The Traveller. The Traveller may also be living where you live (for now) but is far from permanently calling it his home. Things can move quickly when dating The Traveller; so quickly you never think to question where it might go or whether he really wants the same things. There is every chance The Traveller isn’t thinking like that – he is just here, now, in the moment.
The inherent issue with the Traveller is availability. How available is he really to commit beyond the next few weeks or days? Of course, there are cases where The Traveller ends up turning into great relationship material, but this is by no means a guarantee.
The Searcher is the guy who finds himself searching because he’s lost something… himself. The Searcher hasn’t necessarily always been lost but he is now. He may have some major things going on in his life or be recovering from them. Searchers are essentially in a ‘mid-life crisis’ but could be any age and may not have any overt signs they are in crisis. They could still be charming, intelligent, sophisticated, seem ‘together’ in interactions and yet still… lost. Don’t discount someone just because he has gone through something dramatic in his life recently. This doesn’t automatically qualify him as being a Searcher. It’s more about how at peace he is with himself and how much finding lasting love is really a priority for him.
The Searcher is likely to be present and in the moment one day and then flaky on another. There are a couple key concerns with dating The Searcher.
- He is likely to run hot and cold – he doesn’t know what he wants. He might really like you but still feel in his gut he isn’t ready to commit to anyone or anything.
- You’re not his priority, finding love isn’t his priority – his search is his priority.
This one is a classic. We quite often bundle all types of men who are incapable of commitment into ‘The Player’ category… but this isn’t right. The Player has a very specific motivation behind his behaviour. We can encounter The Player at any age. Players love to have multiple women on the go and they are motivated by the feeling they get from having the attention of many women. This gives them a self-affirming, ego boost they become addicted to.
It’s a myth that all Players have to be insecure or incapable of commitment. The Player can reform his ways and it may only be a phase in life. The most prolific Players feel little guilt over this behaviour and when confronted about their ways will often own up to it – perhaps even proudly because they don’t see anything massively wrong with it. They won’t necessarily ever lie to women about their intent, they just won’t tell the whole truth. The Player may not over-promise commitment to anyone, he just won’t clarify his feelings or intentions.
To avoid getting sucked into dating The Player… ask yourself these three questions early on and consider his behaviour. If the answer is ‘no’ to two or more of these, watch out!
- Is he consistently giving you ‘premium time’ (Saturdays or his main nights off)?
- Is he giving you plenty of notice when organising a date?
- Has he specifically said he is looking for a long-term relationship?
This can be one of the hardest types to spot early because their using ways creep up on you over time. The User likes to be looked after and has a lot of needs. The User is drawn (sometimes subconsciously) to generous and caring women who are likely to put his needs ahead of their own. The User will start off very charming and perhaps come across confident yet sensitive. You might feel drawn to his sensitivity and comfort in expressing his emotions towards you…but then he starts needing you. The User might start off needing your emotional support, then support with running errands or other things going on in his life. One day he might even ask to borrow money from you.
Users can be hard to spot, but be very wary of the following behaviour:
- Overly needy or emotionally draining behaviour very early in the relationship
- Requests for support (financial, emotional or physical) early on
The Not Divorced
The Not Divorced man may be “separated” but he’s not divorced. The fresher the separation, the more you need to be wary as he:
- May still have a lot of unfinished divorce stuff to go through
- Want to sew some wild oats now that he’s free from his marriage – you might simply be one of the first cabs off the rank.
- May decide to reconcile with their ex-partner and leave you surprised and hurt.
Now to be clear – this is not to say you shouldn’t date a separated person who isn’t yet legally divorced. It is simply important to go into it with your eyes open to some common issues that could arise. I’m a strong believer that divorced men can make excellent partners to someone else in the future. Just because one relationship broke down doesn’t mean the next will. It is important to tread carefully when dating someone who is freshly separated and check in on the pace of the relationship as you progress. Be kind to yourself and the Not Divorced man you might be dating by taking things slow and discussing issues or concerns as they arise.
Cling-Ons like to be in relationships. Once they have a connection to someone, they are very good at accelerating things towards commitment. The issue with this behaviour is that the Cling-On has clung from relationship to relationship so fast that he doesn’t necessarily know who he is or what he really wants.
Cling-Ons gain a lot of their fulfilment and identity from the relationship they are in. This can lead to some controlling behaviours and a bit of a life ‘take-over’. One day you’re happy living alone in a one-bedroom apartment with no pets. Fast forward two months and you’re living with your Cling-On in a house located in a suburb you’d never heard of with two dogs you’ve adopted together.
To deal with a Cling-On before he has well and truly ‘clung’:
- Be wary of moves to integrate your lives really early on
- Set the pace you’re comfortable with. Communicate and avoid big moves that make you uncomfortable.
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